Home Quotes 100 Best British Jokes, Puns And One-Liners

100 Best British Jokes, Puns And One-Liners

Some of these fantastic English jokes and London jokes are sure to make you laugh out loud!

These British-themed jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh. Because of its self-aware nature, British humor is popular all over the world, which also contributes to the popularity of British stand-up comedy.

If you’re planning a trip to the United Kingdom soon or already live there, you’ll enjoy these one-liners and jokes. Various London jokes, funny British jokes, England jokes, and England puns are included in this comprehensive list. We’re confident that reading these British jokes and puns will be a breeze for you!

If you want to check out some more hilarious puns, click here.

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England Jokes and Puns

  • How does every English joke start?
    By looking over your shoulder.
  • What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
    A referee.
  • What do you call London without electricity?
    Londoff.
  • What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
    Fish and ships.
  • My father is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London.
    He works around the clock.
  • Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?
    It was a play on words.
  • Remember when Britain was still part of the EU?
    I still remember it like it was yesterday.
  • What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?
    Caesar salad.
  • A woman just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.
    She’s slowly coming round.
  • I bought some new “London Bridge Jeans.”
    They keep falling down.
  • What’s the largest export of Great Britain?
    Independence days.
  • The past tense of William Shakespeare
    Wouldiwas Shookspeared.
  • What did America say to Britain when it fell over?
    U.K.?
  • Why does Britain like tea so much?
    Because tea leaves.
  • Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”
    It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.
  • Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when it comes to cleaning their floors.
    But that might be a sweeping generalization.
  • What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?
    Brit-ish.
  • How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
    No Brussels!
  • What did Britain say to its trade partners?
    See EU later.
  • What do Great Britain and bad houseguests have in common?
    They take forever to leave…
  • What do the Brits eat for breakfast?
    Cheerios ‘ol chap.
  • What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes?
    All Day Brexit.
  • Knock, knock!
    Who’s there?
    Doctor!
    Doctor who?
    That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?
  • “What is black and white and red all over? An English steak hideously overcooked and ruined further by the addition of ketchup and mayonnaise.” — Marcel Lucont
  • What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?
    Returning to the scene of the crime.
  • A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
    She must be exhausted.
  • What is the longest word in the English language?
    ‘Smiles.’ Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
  • What do people like to wear in England?
    Tea-shirts
  • What do you call a Dollar Store in England?
    Pound Town.
  • Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames?
    ‘Scurvy.
  • The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died.
    Tributes have been lead by J.K. Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
  • An English man was left in a vegetative state after being hit by a car, bus, tractor and trailer.
    It was an Oxford Coma.
  • What did Shakespeare call his shower?
    McBath.
  • To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
    “Hello.”
  • What did Shakespeare’s dog say to him when he was taken to the vet?
    From the windows
    To the walls
    Till the Vet
    Cuts off my balls.
  • Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?
    Eminem had no ghostwriter.
  • What do British women call their menstruation cycles?
    A bloody mess.
  • How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
  • What’s the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City.
    Chrome has history.
  • What’s the difference between a triangle and Manchester United?
    A triangle has three points.
  • The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle.
    Oops, wrong sub.
  • What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up?
    “Hey, guys! Can we try some of my songs?”
  • What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?
    I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
  • Why did they name it Brexit?
    They should have gone for the Great British Break Off!
  • What do Brexit and my dog have in common?
    They beg to be let out, but just sit at the door when they finally are.
  • What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?
    Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
  • Why is England the wettest country?
    Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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Funny English Jokes

  1. What had the English telecom representative said to the man who wanted to describe a nuisance caller? Oh, you again.
  2. Why is England described as being a wet country? The Queen has reigned over it for decades.
  3. Why doesn’t England have a designated kidney bank? They have a Liverpool.
  4. What does the Lochness monster call his favorite dish? Fish & Ships.
  5. Why doesn’t any member of the royal family go to Starbucks? They don’t have an option for royal-tea.
  6. What does the English owl call his favorite TV show? Dr. Whoot.
  7. What do you do after reaching Greenwich? Find something to occupy you in the mean time.
  8. How do individuals in Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, and Wales ask each other about their well-being on text? U K?
  9. Why did children have to always main a 3-foot distance from English kings? The kings had limited heirspace.
  10. Why didn’t Frideric Handel shop in London? He had gone Baroque.
  11. Why did the woman have a horrible time in London?  She had a horrible heir day.
  12. Why did the graduate reminisce his college days in England so fondly? Those were the best of Thames.
  13. Why was the pet owner having such a hard time with the puppy he’d just adopted in England? The puppy couldn’t be thamed.
  14. What had the son said to his mom when she expressed her worry about him going to the Big Ben? It’s just the Big Ben, there’s no reason to be alarmed.
  15. What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben? He was ticked off.  
  16. What did the English banker say to the river who was looking to open a new account? You can easily bank on me.
  17. Why is everybody in London always nearly late? They’re always nearly on the Thames.
  18. What is the main distinction between ohms and watts? Watts measure energy, while Ohms are the places that Brits reside in.
  19. Why was the English man so sad about being in college, so far away from his lover? He couldn’t Oxford to see her.

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Hilarious English Puns

  1. A pair of English twins loved to play with water while traveling. Their favorite part of summer trips was always Bath time.
  2. A man told his wife from Brighton, “You really Brighton up my life”.
  3. An English detective was running around the country looking for Leeds for his case.
  4. A couple was standing under the famous London clock, when the husband asked his wife, “I wish we could have Ben here when it was being built.”
  5. A group of friends was going around England trying to look for greater theatres in order to recreate their amazing London experience. They were globe-trotting.
  6. The English Strait was having a rough month, so his friend suggested that he channel his energy into being productive.
  7. Two friends decided to ride around a park for 10 hours straight. After the crazy experience, one of them mentioned “That was a wild Hyde.”
  8. The English baker was infamous for being a bad musician. He could never play the crumpet really well.
  9. Two English fishes were debating how to pay for the lunch they were going to order. Finally, both of them agreed to chip in.
  10. The English dessert was really grateful that her friend, the Haggis, was by her side all the time. “Thank you so much for pudding up with my mess!” said the dessert.
  11. The chef made sure he took a tour of all the bakeries in England. He didn’t want to leave a single scone unturned.
  12. The English prince has been having a really hard time coping at school for the last couple of years. He has to appoint a tudor.
  13. I want to get the term ‘England’s Royalty’ printed on my hoodie. I think it has a nice ring.
  14. English warlords didn’t have a lot of choices when it came to their enemies. They could only play the hand that they were celt.
  15. My sister just came back from her summer semester in England. She’s really austen-tacious now.
  16. Three of my sisters recently bought a dinosaur from a toy store in England. They were really adamant about naming it Bronte-sauras.
  17. My friend’s favorite series is Harry Potter, so she goes to England many times in a year. Fortunately, she is Rowling in money.
  18. The last time I talked to my brother he was really sick. I haven’t talked to him in a while so I don’t know if he is sick Orwell anymore.
  19. An English journalist went to the train station to catch his scheduled train at 2 pm when someone accidentally mistook him for a luggage handler. “I can’t handle your luggage, I’m only a reporter”, he chuckled.
  20. Many British people tend to make pour decisions after going to the pub.

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